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Pluto-

the planet of transformation, death, and rebirth

Stationed direct in

Capricorn-

the sign of patience, rigidity, and structure

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Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

This is my second attempt at this post. The first one was the most negative, depressing thing I’ve written in a long time. While sitting on that post, Pinterest for business sent me an email that said something like, ‘positivity sells. Try hopping on the positivity trend and post something optimistic!’ That kind of made me want to vomit. While I’m not posting the original negative post that dumped my deepest despairs on ya’ll, I am not going to pretend I am an optimistic person so I can get more followers.

This time of year is great because people actively seek out darkness. They look for spooky things to watch; they plan their scary costumes; they talk about death, etc. Unfortunately for creepy/sad people like me, as soon as Halloween’s over, the collective darkness seeking is all over and it’s onto holly jolly Christmas where everything is merry and bright. Although I don’t think we should skip over the fact that there is another major holiday in between there that bypasses the mass genocide and pillaging our country was founded on…pretty dark if you ask me…but I digress. Point is, our society does not support depression. They do not support sensitivity. They do not support pessimistic people like me. Yes, life is a delicate balance of good and bad, positive and negative, light and dark; but the bad, negative, dark side of life is not appreciated enough. Too often we are told to suppress our negative feelings and just be happy. Honestly, I’m also guilty of shaming people for being too negative (when really I’m just as negative). Pluto is about transformation, and one way I’m going to use this transit is to transform negativity shaming. We are all navigating these turbulent times, lets do it together!

If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re happy, be happy! But remember, you shouldn’t chase bliss all the time. It’s not healthy to suppress your negative emotions and act like everything is butterflies and rainbows all the time. Positive thought patterns are important; but, they don’t just happen out of the blue…you have to succumb to the bluesy, dark feelings before you can just ‘magically’ be happy.

Sit with the darkness surrounding you, address it, then transform it. Through darkness, comes light.

It’s not going to be easy to transform from darkness to light, especially because of all this Plutonian transformation occurring in the rigid, stubborn, immovable, Capricorn sign. Unfortunately guys, we have a long road of darkness ahead of us, so we might as well get used to it.

Pluto stays here in Capricorn until it enters Aquarius in March 2023.

When we fake happiness and pretend everything is alright, we burn out. I’m not saying dive head first into that pit of despair and bury yourself there. I’m saying, the pit of darkness is here, waiting for all of us. So get your gear, climb down slowly [take your time! (Capricorn patience)]; and the landing will be much softer.

The death and rebirth cycle in general, is intense. We all experience it at different moments in our lives; however, now we are all going through it collectively. We have all lost something or someone this year, and we are all adapting to a new way of life (post the losses we’ve experienced). This is Pluto energy. What better time to respect the death and rebirth-Pluto energy, than October?

Now I’ve been talking about this pit of despair like it’s some kind of ominous thing that’s about to swallow us up; so I want to give a personal example of what I mean by climbing slowly into the metaphorical pit:

One of the most frustrating things I’m hearing lately is the argument “people want handouts, anyone who says they can’t get a job is lying. There are good jobs everywhere. You just have to walk in and get one.” I think we all get lost in this battle of addressing the fucked up pieces of our society, and we take things personally. While yes we are personally being called out to make change, it’s not personal. It’s systemic. This is a systemic issue that needs to be solved by people with privilege.

For example, I used to work in west county St. Louis. West county is the upper class, “ritzy” area of St. Louis. The town I worked in, refuses to put in a metro link station (public train system). It is my understanding that they don’t want the crime that’s associated with the people who ride the metro, coming into their town.

I worked for a hotel on the west side, and one of the main issues they had was keeping housekeepers. The upper class people who live in the town don’t want to be housekeepers. Even the majority of their children are privileged and wouldn’t be caught dead cleaning up after people. So this poses a problem; how do we get housekeepers to work out here when no one from the town wants to work these types of jobs AND there are no affordable public transportation options for people who live outside of the town?

One solution was providing a bus pass for the employees who needed it. The metro link doesn’t run out west but there is a bus route out there. The issue with this though, is that the bus ride ends up being a couple hours long (both ways) and if you don’t catch the bus in time, you are stranded. Also this town shuts everything down at 11pm, so you have to be quick.

Now this is where it gets dark and personal for me. (Disclaimer: my timing may be off because I don’t remember exact times, but I do remember the situation very clearly.) There was a housekeeper (a really sweet black man) who worked 3-11. He did not have a car and rode the bus to and from work every day. The bus station was a good distance away from the hotel (I wanna say 3/4 of a mile but I don’t know for sure). He was struggling to make it to the bus on time because of the distance and the fact that he couldn’t end his shift until 11. He would end his shift and run as fast as he could to the bus stop. Some nights he would have to leave a job unfinished because he had to run to catch the bus.

One day, he noticed I was getting off at 11 and asked me if I would drive him to the bus stop on my way out of town. I was reluctant to do so. I’m sure because of the inner racism I hadn’t processed at the time; but, also because I was privileged, tired, and just wanted to go home. I have a hard time telling people no, so I gave him a ride to the bus stop anyway. He was so nice and appreciative, and it felt good to help.

This became a thing every weekend. He always asked whoever was getting off at 11 to give him a ride down to the bus stop. I was getting tired of this. I just wanted to go home at the end of my shift; I didn’t like having other people in my car; I was tired and lazy; etc.

So I would complain with my coworkers about this and they would complain back. We eventually told the managers about this. I think I was hoping they would hear this and let him get off earlier so he would have more time to walk down to the bus stop. I don’t honestly remember if they gave him that option or not, but I do remember they told him to stop asking us for rides. He was still very nice to us after the fact, and did his best to run down to the bus stop again. I felt deep shame around this. What a privileged bitch I was to tell on this man rather than help him get to the bus whenever I could. How easy it was for me to just say “this is not my problem” and move on, is disgusting.

Our society does not make it easy for everyone to get a job with good benefits and pay. Class and skin color have major affects on the jobs you can get in America. It’s not up to this man to fix the issues with public transportation. It’s not up to him to fix the issue of filling housekeeping jobs in high class areas. Although it’s not my fault, and it’s not my managers faults, it feels shameful to have done nothing to solve this problem.

The darkness is in the fact that I have experienced this, and have tried suppressing the story. I’ve hated myself deep down for my role in systemic racism. Rather than use my privilege and actively work to fight the system; I just cried, panicked, and hung my head in shame. I dove head first into the pit of despair with this issue, and I let it plague me.

I see these things on Instagram saying “White women, you aren’t doing enough” and I go “yeah, it’s so true! I’m awful!” Then the cycle of hating myself continues. Over and over again it resurfaces and the self hatred commences. But is this reaction I’m having, actually helping anyone?

I’m done diving head first into the pit of despair. I’m making the choice to use this Pluto direct in Capricorn transit to evolve my mindset. Isn’t simply being aware of this systemic issue, a good step in the right direction? So many people don’t even know their role in systemic racism. So many people don’t even care. Rather than hate myself for the things I’ve done in the past, I’m going to look at these moments as learning opportunities. I’m going to see the wrongs I’ve committed and actively work to do better in the future. I’m going to transform my thinking. That old, self hatred way of thinking is dead and making way for the new! I’m not going to bypass my shame and dark thoughts in the process. I’m going to sink slowly into them so I can transform them.

Go into the darkness of your mind, but love yourself along the way.

I’m Just a Soul Whose Intentions Are Good

In closing, I’m not an optimistic light worker who’s going to inspire you to think positively all the time. Those people are important. I love them and the balance they provide for me; but, I am not them. If you need someone to hold your hand in darkness and take you through deep thought and transformation, I’m your girl!

Do you have the courage to change?